12 September 2009

What I realized....


was....that I had spent my entire life
making others responsible for my happiness...
I was miserable and went
about my life blaming the
misbehaving people in my life,
for my sadness...
Eight years ago...
all that changed.
suddenly, as those towers came down..
I came face to face with my
sadness....
at first, all I could do was cry...
sometimes for the thousands affected by this tragedy,
and at times, honestly... for myself
for all I was missing in life.
For the relationship that had not blossomed
and grown...
For the envy I felt toward
happy women in good relationships.
Over the next few days,
it seemed that every time I listened to radio,
or TV, I heard stories of people who were "saved"
from the catastrophe thru some strange coincidence
or "angelic intervention".
All of these people, when interviewed, spoke
about how they came to believe that God had something
"bigger" in mind for them, that they were not meant to
be in the towers, but were meant to live...
and perhaps accomplish something else.
I started to think about
exactly what I was "contributing"...
I prayed, meditated, and consulted with people
whose opinion I valued.
Someone, who has always been there for me
said...."you know, we are all responsible for our own
happiness...."
Really.
Well...
those words changed my life.
I woke up.
I started to work on me...
I explored new avenues...
I started to look at my happiness as a project,
one that would be on-going.
I worked toward the goal of self-responsibility,
and I started to step out on faith...
faith that if I "would simply show up at the party...
well, something will happen".
A tremendous amount of difficult things
started to happen,
but you know....
through it all,
I was happy.
smiles.

11 September 2009

Let's just say....it changed my life....


09/11/01
No, I didn't loose anyone....
not in a personal connection sense
but I lost me....
It is very difficult to describe exactly
where I was at the time...
but it all started with the phone call...
just like everyone else who received a phone call
that morning....
I was ironing....
laundry was piled up on the couch...
hanging from the doorways....
tumbling in the dryer...
swishing in the washer...
and lying on the floor...
It was a day much like today.
I was mesmerised by what I saw....
I sat down on the couch and just stared at the TV...
mouth hanging open for quite awhile..
and then I broke the stare...
jumped up and called my parents...
They hadn't even turned on their TV...
they had no idea...
soon my dad was saying quietly...
"It'll come down.."
I didn't know what he meant at first,
but he is a Civil Engineer, so I knew it was
a "structural comment".
He said
"they both will come down soon..."
I could not absorb the enormity of what
he was saying.
But there they were.....falling....
both of them.
As they day unfolded...
TV quietly murmuring in the background...
I started to receive calls...
iron some more...
make calls....
iron...
And then,
a small seed started to grow
inside of me...
The seed of freedom.
I was thinking about what it means to
be an American, and I thought about my life.
I had been miserable for months...
maybe years.
I needed some relief...
but didn't know how....
This day eight years ago started a journey for me...
a journey that has brought me to this place of happiness.
Happiness like I have never felt in my life.
Can one be happy, grateful...
and terribly sad....
all at the same time?

07 September 2009

Do we ever really know...


Where home is.....?
Do we ever actually get to the point where we know....
Really know...
that we are going to live the rest of our days
in the place to which we have arrived...
Children never seem to have a care...
never worry....
not at this point
where they run thru a field...
in pretty spring dresses,
picking flowers for Mommy....
Oh to be a child...
carefree...
burden free...
worry free...
how would that feel?
Can we convince ourselves that there
is more than just this current trend
of disappointments...
Can we actually
find a way to
"live in the moment"?
What would become of the world
if we all lived
simply in the moment...?
Do we have
the ability to
focus ourselves on the
here and now?
Or did we give up that ability
long ago,
when we innocently traipsed ourselves into
adulthood...
Oh to be Peter Pan...
Smiles.